"Holding your poop in doesn't give you hemorrhoids, trying to push out the piece of poop that decided to not come out because you held in your poop is what gives you hemorrhoids."
This was the revelation that occurred after my most recent poop that shook me to my childhood.
A little backstory I believe is at hand.
When I was a little cub scout, I was on a mountain retreat with my friend Ben Richards, skipping rocks by at a lake. I shared with Ben a pickle - I needed to poop but I wanted to continue skipping rocks by the lake. Ben's advice stuck with me to this day, "James, if you hold your poop in you will get hemorrhoids". I wasn't scholarly about hemorrhoids as a child, I just knew enough that I didn't want them and this was enough to get me to the latrine in seconds.
Jump cut to a couple hours ago, Tuesday Dec. 9th, 2014, 7am. I am sitting at the kitchen table writing a different blog post. Suddenly I feel the pangs to relieve my bowels. Due to the lapse of 20 years, the words of wise Ben were not fresh in my mind and I continued to ignore my intestine for the sake of my thoughts. Eventually the body always wins and I find myself on the pot with a cute PLOP!
"A cute PLOP?!?", I wonder to myself, "I know there was much more in there than one plop."
"Oh well, the tummy is a mysterious thing", and I wiped 3 times up and once down before returning to my computer and my prior thoughts.
Jump cut to right before I started writing this blog post. I have just finished writing and published the blog post from this morning when a similar pang for poop strikes again. Now, I am quite familiar with my bowel movements so I know when they are abnormal, and 2 movements in one day is incredibly abnormal....unless (as I tip my detective's cap) the contents of the first movement weren't fully removed.....due to (as I grip my bubble producing pipe) my holding it in when it really wanted to come out!!!!!! (Cue childhood shattering revelation)
Thank you childhood Ben for giving me the truth circa 20 years ago, and thank you brain for updating it for me.